These Toilets are the Pits

Poster inside toilet stall in Shanghai

I get the paper

up and aim at the wastebasket.

A throw! The

paper lifted

up after being 

released. Ha,

a nice shoot with a goal!

I am a strong

man in civilization

In China almost all of the toilets are pit toilets.

In the fancier hotels and airports, you may find the occasional “western” toilet, but for the most part, resign yourself to squat. If you have bad knees, well, you’re shit out of luck (pun intended). 

The plumbing in China is shitty (there I go again!), so you can’t flush toilet paper - you have to throw it in the trash can next to the squatter.
This, as you can imagine, makes the bathrooms most aromatic.
You never have to look for a toilet - just follow your nose.

So the simple act of relieving oneself becomes, for those of us raised in the States,
an exercise in strength, stamina, and agility.

Very few public toilets have toilet paper, so bring a pack of Puffs or wet wipes.

First, approach the toilet with trepidation, opening all the stall doors to find the least offensive one. Don’t try to hold your breath to ward off the stench - you don’t want to get dizzy and pass out and fall IN the toilet. Better to accept the smell, and give thanks for your shiny, white porcelain throne back home.

One experienced traveler recommends a smidge of Vicks Vap-o-Rub under the nose to block the smell.

If you’re lucky, your stall will have a lock on the door.
No, wait - if you're lucky, your stall will HAVE a door!
If you’re even luckier, there will be a hook to hang your purse. 

Roll up your pants legs a bit, or they’ll be soaked in the urine left on the floor from the other Western tourists who were too scared to squat properly, missing the pit altogether.
Don’t be one of them - get in there and do it right.
You came to China to be immersed in the life and culture here, didn’t you?

Feet go on either side of the pit, obviously. 

Drop your pants, taking care not to let them touch the floor, bend your knees, squat, and let ‘er flow.

This is where you'll be happy you’ve practiced your Kegels - if you can control your flow to something between a trickle and a gushing fountain, you won’t have to deal with backsplash.
Much.

Now, still squatting, grab your tissue (you DID take your tissue out of your purse before you hung it up, right?), steady your balance, and finish up.
Don’t forget - don’t throw your tissue into the squatter!

Now go wash your hands - every bathroom has a sink,
but in the 2-1/2 weeks I’ve been here so far, only 2 or 3 have had soap.
And then shake your hands and wipe them on your pants, because none of them have towels or hand dryers. 

Here’s another tip for the Western woman traveling in China - you, too, can pee standing up.

I brought a handy dandy little device called P-Style  - I call it my Port-o-Peenie.

It’s a hard plastic tunnel-funnel thingy that . . . well, use your imagination.

Suffice it to say that I fear no pit toilets - I can take it like a man. Heh. 

Still can’t write my name in the snow, though.